Doubt
Doubt is a killer.
Do you know why I don’t update this blog? No, no, other than the fact that blogs are retarded.
I don’t update this blog because I doubt anyone is reading it.
And if they are — if you are — I doubt you’ll put much stock into what I have to say.
Nor should you.
That was just the doubt talking.
Actually, the truth is, some of you maybe should put some stock into what I have to say. I’ve been places… Online. That is to say, I’ve had experiences. I recently chatted with a university student who litterally grew up watching my Boneland cartoons - he was telling me he was 12 when he first became a fan. I recently did a lecture for a hundred film and animation students at a local college… They called me “sir.” It was nice. So, yeah, I know things– I’ve had experiences, I have some wisdom to impart…
So why do I doubt that?
Maybe it’s because I’m pretty modest (which is such a cocky thing to say, isn’t it?) maybe it’s because I’m Canadian and we’re pretty much taught doubt in school… But I don’t know… I think there may be something more at play here than default Canuck humility. Doubt can be sneaky like that.
Maybe it’s the validation thing. Being in a creative field and very much only working for yourself most of the time means that there can be a bit of a dry-spell between ego-boosters sometimes. If you’re a factory worker or a cubical drone then I would imagine you feel some sense of accomplishment when you put together one hundred widgets in a day or punch in a hundred lines of data in a hour. And if not, you probably feel at least a little something validating about depositing your paycheck? Right?
Well, once upon a time I felt that validation daily. My inbox was full of glowing praise and the paychecks weren’t too shabby either. I could do anything.
No doubt about it.
But that was a while ago. And before you send me little pick-me-up emails telling me to stick to it tiger and the sun’s bound to come out eventually, let me finish:
I don’t need that pandering. I don’t need coddling… At least, no more than is healthy. What I need - what I think is the source of this recent bout of doubt - is work. Working is validating. I can create work for myself - always have - but back in the day that work led somewhere. It was read, viewed, commented-on, leased, bought, sold and not to be forgotten; paid the bills. But now it’s a new ballgame. I’ve launched myself into a new industry (along side many others at this time, I might add) and it’s brutal. It’s a brutal industry in a brutal time and the more I see of it the more I long for the days when my work was something to behold.
And I’m at a point right now where as a filmmaker I’m in a very ridiculous place to be: I’m waiting for the phone to ring. And to put in place the circumstances ideal for being in this ridiculous position, you have to work hard at inane, soul-destroying marketing work. Meaning that all your creativity begins to decay and crumble leaving behind an emptiness. And what washes in to fill the vapidity of that bygone factory of creation?
Doubt.
It’s a killer.
And I’m not trying to play you a lament for yours truly here. I’m trying to do what any good, modest yet cocky enough to think he’s got some wisdom to impart host would do on his very own blog… On his very own website… Bearing his very own name… Come to think of it, there’s really nothing modest about any of this is there? Anyway, what I’m trying to say is:
Prepare for the doubt.
It’s dark and scary and cold but here’s the good thing:
It’s just you.
It’s just you trying to pull one over on yourself. And the only reason you’re doing that is because you’re not working. Work is the answer. Keep working. Keep doing what you’re here to do.
Fight doubt by ignoring it… Not blogging about it.
Work starts now.
